I have gone through some incredible highs, and some crazy lows in the past year. We make a break-through, we take a step back, we overcome one obstacle, and are faced with another.
We have met some incredible people in the past year. Families whose children struggle daily to speak one word, families who spend thousands advocating for their children, ensuring that they are treated with the same respect as any other child. We have met specialists whose objective is to help children achieve what you and I would never think to be a notable accomplishment. We have had these special people cry with us, laugh with us, teach us, and mentor us. We have been blessed this year to find such a strong support group, and even more so, new friends.
In the past year we have learned to be adaptable to C. Our whole family has had to make adjustments. Little things, such as locking the doors in the morning. Not because we fear someone will break in, but because we fear C will break out. That was a scary moment, our neighbor across the street brought C back to me at 6:45 in the morning because as I was getting ready, C crept out the back door. We have had to adjust our diet, as C has a wheat and egg allergy, and any food with preservatives or additives sends him on the first train to Crazyville. We find that family outings require more prep, and the willingness of Kell or I to step away from the activity to give C much needed breaks. We have had to learn how to parent a child who has a knack for pretending he has no clue what you just said, or that his name is C. We have had to embrace A and O a little tighter at night to ensure that they know we love them just as much, if not more than we ever did. Kell and I have tested the strength of our marriage and love for one another, have learned to compromise, and found that we are as much in love now, as we ever were.
In the past year I have embraced my fears, and learned to open up about what scares me. An important and huge breakthrough for me. I was full of anxiety and angst when I was too quiet. Now I may be loud and verbal, but at least I am not a raging bull ready to attack the red cape. My biggest fear... our future. It may be silly to worry about it now, but how can I not? Every parent dreams of what their children will become, the college they will attend, and even take guesses at their career paths, their future husband or wife. With C, I literally see white. There is no future that I can envision. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I don't know if he will be the kid that makes strides and becomes a genius, or if he will be the kid that hits an intellectual plateau, and what we see is what we get. It may sound unreasonable, even irrational, but it is real. It is my fear. I have no vision of my son's future, and it scares the hell out of me.
Last year I feared that C would never whisper "I love you" before drifting off to sleep. He tells me "I wub chu" every night before bed now. He even says "ha go nigh nigh". (Translates to "I love you, have good night night) We overcame that fear... I know that one day C will have a future, and I will look back and realize that the fear of the unknown was unfounded. But today, and the foreseeable future, the unknown is scary "what if". Our journey continues, our what if's remain, our family, however is stronger than ever.
